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| *Germany:GettyImages |
From a look at the uniforms worn by the competitors, the
quadrennial cold weather jamboree is intended to evoke a sense of wonder, and
remind us of how much diversity remains in a supposedly shrunken,
"globalised" world.
To be blunt: the outfits for the 2014 event, due to start
next week in Sochi, Russia, are so gloriously gaudy, so imaginatively
over-the-top, that they bring to mind Eurovision rather than the comparatively
sombre, straining matter of going faster, higher or stronger for longer in and
on snow and ice.
And don't think that we are going all Borat here in our
appreciation of sartorial weirdness – this fashion observation is not
restricted to the garb of obscure former Soviet oligarchies or ten-person
principalities.
Let's take the West's most culturally Western point, for
example: America.
The USA's
uniforms are designed by Ralph Lauren. I don't favour Ralph's work, so I'll
disqualify myself from venturing an opinion.
I'll leave that to Madison,
Wisconsin's Badger Herald:
"(The US uniforms) are ugly, to say the least. Navy sweaters covered in
knitted American flags and Olympics memorabilia — these sweaters look like
something that could be found in the back corner of some random thrift shop in
the middle of Iowa
or worn by hipsters 30 years from now in an 'ironic' way."
They go on to say the US gear is "unattractive and
boring at the same time".
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| *Norwagians:Getty Images |
The beauty (in the eye of this beholder) of fashion, travel,
and the Olympics, is otherness, and being reminded of it.
Many people love the preppy lines of Ralph, and many will
probably adore his busy, kitschy 2014 US uniforms.
But who will adore the ragged new wave op-art suits being
worn by Norway's
waggish curling team? If a picture tells a thousand words, 999 of those used to
describe this radical sweep-wear would be incredulous adjectives. Modern
audiences might need only: "OMG" and "WTF". These natty
outfits feature razor tooth blue, white, and mostly red lines, fit to induce
conjunctivitis in the least hungover eye, and fits in anyone else.
The last folk to don such attire were late '70s guitar
bands, one-hit wonders who spent their entire advance sending old-school
tailors insane. Look at these lines too long and you begin to hallucinate,
which is obviously the point – these devious distractions are obviously a
secret weapon designed to put off competitors. For the plan to reap the gold
medal, the Norwegians will have to avoid seeing their own outfits. Solution?
Accessorise, with Miami Vice wrap-around shades, last cool in 1986.
The brashly kaleidoscopic uniforms to be worn by volunteers
and staff in Sochi
ensure that they don't need fluoro tradie vests. London's
Telegraph noted that "the colours are similar to those that appear on the
rainbow flag that symbolises the gay pride movement", a bitter irony given
Russia's
anti-gay stances of recent times.
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| *President Putin:Getty Images |
Sochi's organisers seemingly
took the design for Germany's
bravely psychedelic team outfit, went the full patchwork quilt, added some
complex textures inspired by spray-painted wire mesh, then had a failure of
nerve, covering up random swathes of fabric with a neutral UN blue. They were
apparently attempting to represent "the different regions of Russia"
with this multi-textured chaos.
The Czechs look like they have blinged-up a white hip-hop hoodie,
adding gold lettering and love-heart motifs to their tracksuit tops, and
replacing the hood with a practical, but incongruous grey "reindeer"
fur cap, complete with drooping ear covers.
The lone Mexican skiier, 55-year-old Prince Hubertus von
Hohenlohe, will compete at his sixth Games in a mariachi outfit. This should be
no surprise from a man who promoted recycling with his official racing gear in
2010. He also performs as a pop singer under the title Royal Disaster.
The Canadian sweaters, like the Americans', appear to have
been knitted by elderly relatives of Canuck representatives. Dull,
unimaginative ones, who often dozed off during the process. Sleepy grandma was
not just stuck for ideas, but had her budget constrained.
It is a strange event where the Germans look like the most
exciting attendees. The women's outfits start and finish in pinky orange and go
through the rainbow in between. I actually like these colourful combos, but the
only place to wear them outside the Athlete's Village would be a chemically
sanctioned retro rave.
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| Team USA:GETTY |
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